Waves of Illusion

Frustration

2007-09-14T21:59:00.000Z

Out of the dank depths of misery rose
A lonely figure, a tortured soul
who's confusion showed no signs of stopping
the frustration heavy and unforgiving

The conflict rising deep within her
to tear at flesh and reveal much deeper
a desperate soul crying out with needs
of human touch on a heart that bleeds

Some way of knowing what's felt inside
fear of secrets, we choose to hide
who to trust, which way to turn
the ache inside that rips and burns

leaving flesh so scarred and raw
no hope of happiness, restored
frustration that impedes her brain
only fear, mistrust and misery remain

Never

2007-02-02T20:30:00.000Z

I've only known you a short while
hardly know you at all
but tonight you've gone away
and left a hollow in your place

I need to talk to you
there's things I need to say
but you've gone away
and I'm left wanting

I feel so foul with the world around me
want to tell you how I feel
don't want you to misunderstand
which is why i keep it inside

all i know is that - i miss you
you're always there to make me smile
wish you were here so i could smile again
don't know which way to turn

I know you'll return again soon
but for tonight i have to wait
i never expected to feel this way
and will never tell you why

Connections

2007-01-30T18:30:00.000Z

Strangers united with a common bond
connections formed in a single heart beat
recognition at some level
of lives that can be shared

a touch on skin
of people you barely know
and the knowledge
of a friendship formed

Such warmth and trust and laughter heard
all striving for the same goal
eyes alight with new possibilities
screams of delight as embraces exchange

A glimmer of love and hope
in a desperate world
A world crying out for help
where we believe all is evil

Bombardment of images
of death an destruction
to tortured remnants
of souls turned bad

Media ripping with vultures talons
at anything that paints a dark picture
ensuring an international suicide pact
as there's no place to turn
no sign of hope

but here in this tiny corner of the world
we can be reminded of the good hidden within
the trust we can once again instill in each other
the need and want to assist

All wanting to help
to aid in some one's plight
the joyous smiles
bad qualities hidden from sight

Sacrifice

2007-01-28T13:29:00.000Z

sunrise, the sunlight dances across your chest
highlighting the goldeness upon you
the stark reality of a new day
of promises andmsitakes made

the silk upon your skin
translucent, pale and unforgiving
sweat glistening on your delicate hairs

Why?

thay moment of passion
of common misunderstanding
the guilt, the pleasure
and now the pain

was the sacrifice worth it
the horrors we now have to face
the condeming thoughts too much to bear
the heaviness laying in our hearts
and what was it all for?

Free?

2007-01-24T21:21:00.000Z

Middle of the night
no sound of waking
the masses slumber on
as the dawn awakes

Light begins to filter
through the fabric of the night
new day beginning to stir
as shadows take shape

Silence hangs heavy in the air
in this former lively place
while all about begin to shift
as a new day they make their own

Sounds beginning to pierce
the still and sleepy air
to invade their minds and bodies
the shrill of an alarm, raising bodies from beds

Thoughts returning to those who can't be here
thinking of how much they'd like it...now
sat in solitude away from the crowd
drinking in the silence before chaos descends

A fleeting moment taken for oneself
with no rules or judgement, only me to satisfy
the thing we all miss the most....ourselves
finding the time and space just to be

Resting here in a place of friends and strangers
so full of joy and laughter
but still having to fit the mold
that others have cast you in

What would people say if they saw me
quiet and reflective in the early hours
would they recognise me as the person from before
the carefree party girl who always entertains

Would they actually leave me to be?
Would I really want them to see?
Do we all consciously try to shape ourselves
into the form we want to portray?

Are any of us really free?

More titches

2006-12-30T19:49:00.000Z

Sorry its been so long since posting, so to make up for it I found some of these titches lurking in my book...

Cell

heat washing over me
so I can't breathe
claws scratching at my throat
making it bleed

brow moist with perspiration
blackness spreading
crawling underneath my skin
but I can not scratch

trapped in my lonely prison cell
of my own violation
waiting for you to release me
from my captive state

twist and turn in my sleep
moistened brow from nightmare screams
faces haunt my waking moments

the twisted shapes
against a shadow of reality

Breakout

hot.....cold
fever rising
madness creeping
all sense escaping me

dark thoughts
linger
anger remains

can't think
head's screwed up
what do I want
I don't know

life mapped out
guided by someone else
don't want it that way
breakout

Mine

all alone in space and time
waiting for you to be mine
liquid tastes strange now
the bitter taste plays upon my lips

thinking of you
my mind in a spin
images playing in my head
reflecting what's already been

Suburbia

the hollowness of life
displayed so starkly
the suburbanites with matching lives
stupidly believing all the lies
darkness descends
imagery fascinating me
blackness covers the moon
then end will come soon

your soft skin reflected in the pale moonlight
a moment taken within stillness of night

Damage

2006-12-01T09:00:00.000Z

Words were spoken
with no self control
fears were heightened
as the truth unfolds

I had no influence
on what came to pass
and in the fleeting moment
a decision cast

I need you to know
it wasn't meant that way
I told her no
but on she played

passing soundbites
that weren't hers to share
thinking it was her right
my privacy laid bare

I wish I could tell you
this isn't me
it was a young fool
trying to impress, you see?

I didn't want her to say those things
should have kept them to herself
embarrassed you and made you cringe
and now the damage is dealt

I'll never retrieve that precious moment
a truthless lament has wrought it from me
all semblance of friendship has been rent
and no option now but to let it be

Perfect Day?

2006-11-26T17:10:00.000Z

N.B. Have no idea what I was trying to say here so I don't think its come out very well...

Spend it with you
under covers
protected from chill air
a snowflake's demise
illuminated on the window

fingertips explore
sensitive touch on warm skin
soft lips come to rest
upon my neck
smothered with kisses

warm bodies, glide together
perfect rhythm and harmony found
desire satiated, arms embrace
head resting against chest

papers retrieved and breakfast made
croissants and coffee pass our lips
you look pensive with the news
whilst I show true with the magazine
sports section cast aside

oven switched on and emails scanned
papers continue to be read
great aroma penetrates the air
we sit and eat and drink
no need for words, smiles are enough

retire to the sofa with duvet and film
soon we're both fast asleep
we awake to the end credits
and within each others arms, we remain

you go out and collect the wine
and chocolate too
find me again under the duvet
complete with tracksuit bottoms
and fluffy socks

we talk about the coming week
you understand I just need your ear
I know you've told me all you want me to hear
reading each other like a favoured book

I know you're watching as I write
content to leave me with my privacy
you know I'll turn to you
but for now trust and silence are the keys
to a contented life and the end of a perfect day

Titches #3

2006-11-17T18:35:00.000Z

Toxic

I know I shouldn't have you

but the feeling that you bring

seeping through my veins

warming the coldest corners

Simple Soul

a simple gesture is all it took

your love for me

a simple way of seeing things

you help my writing

clambering over me

interested in all around you

looking into my eyes

wanting and needing my love

resting on me

knowing I need the company

Vision

As tiredness seeps over me

visions of you come to be

at the forefront of my slumbered mind

and I'm comforted by this, I find

I take you with me when I sleep

no levels of consciousness, buried deep

Right to be wrong

2006-11-08T20:00:00.000Z

I know you're out there waiting
waiting, for me
leaving yourself wide open
so connected we can be

together at last
bucking the system
together at last
we don't want to listen

everyone telling us it's wrong
it's not meant to be
they say 'nothing in common'
you're not right for me

together at last
we don't care what they say
together at last
it was meant to be this way

'She's trouble, don't stay with her
open your eyes, can't you see'
but you weren't to be deterred
her love is at what I need

together at last
knowing that we're right
together at last
prepared to stand and fight

don't you understand our feelings
how could you ever fall this deep
to our lives there now is meaning
we no longer sit and weep
you think together we're just not right
and it shouldn't have come to be
you want to go and correct our plight
but together as two, we're finally free

Strangers

2006-11-07T18:00:00.000Z

You send a message to me
waiting so long to hear
to the unknown stranger
to draw me near

I stand to leave
my mind a haze of dreams
walk towards the open door
hoping all is what it seems

the message reads
meet me here
2 strangers to meet at last
and I'm gripped by a sudden fear

what will we talk about
this strange connection remains
leaves us no space to move
what can we hope to gain?

I move soundlessly towards you
your hand outstretched to mine
take a seat you say
and I lose track of time

the discomfort is vanished
as we talk through the night
and we delve and twist
reassured that we were right

pic from here

Fake smile

2006-11-04T08:31:00.000Z

I see you
surrounded
charm personified
but still guarded

your smile
lights up the dark
you seem like such a lark
everyone wants to leave their mark

but in a moment of peace
I see your smile dip
revealing that the mask can slip
and leave you stranded without a grip

so hard keeping up the act
a persona that all will like
as you take to the mic
when you want to slip into the night

Chilled

2006-10-23T11:20:00.000Z

Now returned to harsh lights
noise.......................life
can I not return
to the stillness of the night?

Where reality hums a distant tune
not entering consciousness
no thoughts invading
just the night and me

Dampened hair and fingers chilled
serve as my only reminder
of the stillness I find
within the night's landscape

Rain

2006-10-23T11:12:00.000Z

cold drops upon warm skin
water upon the page
shaded from moisture
darkness surrounds

the cool water splashes my face
running in streams
onto the dampened page
the beauty and stillness remain

all is calm and quiet
legs cooling with water
the rain subsiding
all about me hiding

I like the world like this
dark and unimposing
no one around to judge

as I sit in the dark
watching the rain wash away my words
transfixed by the sodden pages
and the coolness now within me

I hold my face up to the chill
wishing rain will wash the pain away
could sit for hours
just me and you, deep in thought

the coolness stirs a longing
for a life full of this
someone to share these moments with
quiet reflection, no needs for words

will understand
will leave me still
will hold my hand
and loneliness kill

Pic from here

Recesses

2006-10-07T11:35:00.000Z

My head is hazy
as the clock hands turn
all feelings rent from me
leaving me naked

I have nothing to offer
no truth to tell
my thoughts buried inside
to remain undiscovered

The lies and truth merge
to form a myriad of tales
but my voice is silent
too scared to be heard

I wish I could find the words
I know are hidden deep beneath
I wish I could trust in man
not to judge me for my sins

My own mind is unrelenting
forcing deep secrets, to farthest corners
to be locked away where they can't harm
but I know this shouldn't be the way

Will someone show me the switch
that lights the interior of my mind
reaches and illuminates the dark shadows
so skeletons can no longer hide

Let my voice be found
full of regret and misgivings
let it be strong and loud
so that the past may fade

Only then will my confusion cease
and let colour and life seep back again
make melancholy and darkness dim
so conviction and vitality remain

Nightlife

2006-10-07T11:30:00.000Z

Moonlight fades to grey
clouds dappled with distinction
the stillness of the night
forming and taking shape

Silence beckons the weak
within shadows to appear
darkness affording anonymity
so captors they can evade

The occasional unqualified sound
rips through the night fabric
tearing apart the peace
leaving only echoes in its path

The black sky descends
absorbing all shade and hue
subtle highlights no longer visible
as all become equal

In the darkness we cannot judge
no subtle lighting of differences
all bias cast aside
leaving us
all
exposed

pic from here

Breaking the chains

2006-10-02T09:10:00.000Z

why did i do what i did?
all those years ago
spurred on by lust
not thinking about what would pass

here we are so many years behind us
but why did we carry on?
we knew a life time ago that it wasn't right
but still we carried on

now i look at you and have no words to say
all emotions have long since faded
your face reflects the same things back
and all the love between us - jaded

time to move on and feel free again
to break the chains that bind us
remember what its like to be me
hoping my tattered soul is mended

The return

2006-09-26T19:00:00.000Z

I know that you're out there
not thinking of me
a reckless soul
wrapped up in self

never reflecting on the decision
of your influence
on those around you
and those you can't see

but I know the real you
and the lies you openly display
do you really want to be like that
no one ever knowing who you are

I know you feel it too
even though you try to forget
but the connection is still there
all is not lost

I can feel you returning to me
not yet but...soon

Deeper

2006-09-26T18:50:00.000Z

The taste upon my tongue
bitter and intoxicating
my cool white breasts rising
to meet your muscled flesh

laid stripped and raw
waiting for your descent
the blissful pleasure
of your moist tongue within me

as I writhe in pleasure
images play within my mind
like an old videotape
crackled and splintered

my back arches
as I feel you go deeper
guiding myself
deeper onto you

fill me up with your kisses
smother me
do what you need to do
to make the most of me

You

2006-09-21T20:00:00.000Z

I want to be with you
would do anything to be with you
give up everything to be with you
you're taking over me

I want to lie next to you
give up my life just to look at you
turn myself inside out, so I'm with you
cause now you're invading me

want to breathe the air with you
reinvent myself, to keep attracting you
learn new skills, to align with you
cause you're bleeding into me

I lie awake thinking of you
will do anything to find you
just to say I'm in love with you
cause you're seeping into me

Beautiful people?

2006-09-17T11:00:00.000Z

we see you out there
the beautiful people
decked out in jewellery
and the designer's wares

we see you with others like you
all looking the same
with all your fakeness
what IS it that you do?

we see you with all your things
book deals, interviews bringing in the dough
people paying just to use your face
prostituting youself for a little shopping

we see you with someone new on your arm
every other week someone new to escort you
to this premiere or other photo op
and you think that in that, there lies no harm

we see you courting the press
stood with flashing light bulbs
with your skinny legs and waist
and so unnatural breasts

do you think you're helping at all?
media forcing us to be like you
changing our desire to become inhuman too
just setting us up for one big fall

More titches

2006-09-17T10:30:00.000Z

Connected?
alone, touching my skin
thinking of you
are you feeling the same
are we connected some way?

the haunting melodies
playing out in front of us
I reach my hand out to you
do you feel it too?

Missing
my bed calls
but I lie awake
waiting for you
to return once more

missing
worried about what you've seen
said and done

return to me
to speak those words

Remembrance

2006-09-16T21:33:00.000Z

do you remember the good times
like the night we first kissed
stood in the darkness no sense of time
ensuring the opportunity wouldn't be missed

2 kids not knowing what was going on
spurred on by lust and later love
in that parking lot a seed was sown
our bodies fitting like a glove

i never felt that way any more
the rush of raw emotion and the thrill
the way your love lifted me from the floor
and in my heart the love continued to fill

the movies were completely right
it really could be this way
fireworks illuminating the sky at night
and keeping all my fears at bay

they all told us it was not to be
we didn't listen, spurred on by youth
then soon i began to see
that loneliness was going to be the root

of my ever increasing distraction
and ever longing despair
making my love open for retraction
a break with no hope of repair

Clouds on the horizon

2006-09-14T19:00:00.000Z

dark gloom washing over me
sinking into my heart
clouds on the horizon
not looking forward

can't explain the way I feel
the anger locked up inside
I know I need to scream
but can't find my voice

so many things I need explained
but explanations give no reasons
hurt trapped in a black chasm
buried inside to keep the peace

if only I could escape
these feelings taking hold of me
but years of jaded disdain
leave me scarred and twisted

unable to see my way out
lapsing into embittered rage
at you and the world I inhabit
want to evade this destination

someone hear my screams

Piece of me

2006-09-10T22:00:00.000Z

Seeping into my veins
the images of you
releasing the pain
always wanting too

never knowing where to turn
or who to face
your presence within me burns
ever speeding up the pace

why do I always think of you
here within my thoughts
why do I always think of you
knowing I should've fought
why do I always think of you
and the time we could've bought
why do I think of you
and the pain that I did wrought

you were the mistake I didn't make
letting you go was so wrong
the addiction I couldn't face
what I did should've seen me hung

now I realise the pain I gave
was how it was meant to be
hoping from the illness I can save
a little piece of me

a little piece of me..........
a little piece of me......
a little piece of me....................
a little piece of me........

why do I always think of you
here within my thoughts
why do I always think of you
knowing I should've fought
why do I always think of you
and the time we could've bought
why do I think of you
and the pain that I did wrought

Woman

2006-09-10T21:30:00.000Z

What is it about 2 women kissing?

I mean it's such a stereotypical male fantasy so why do I find it erotic? I'm not gay I'm pretty sure of that but 2 women slipping their tongues inside each other's velvet lined mouths just sends me into raptures.
add to that the images of black silk upon fleshy white thighs held up by thinnest piece of material, I mean who wouldn't be a lesbian.
Maybe it's to do with design?
Curves are so much more attractive than harsh angles and the way a women's back arches round to her bottom is just pure design heaven.
Whoever made of us - we have a lot to be thankful for.
The way we can arch and slither to show off our curves
the way we can manipulate all so they think theirs are original thoughts
they way our body can send mixed messages
to all who want to read them

that little piece of inverted flesh between the backbones
the soft skin underneath a mass of dark hair

man I feel like a woman......

Soulless

2006-09-10T21:07:00.000Z

Black hole where my heart was
ripped out by your indiscretions
lonely space where love once resided
with only hate remaining

torn apart by you
ripped through the middle
frayed at the seams
all my dreams shattered

empty room in my soul
everyone wanting tears
but I cried them all so long ago
leaving me barren and dry

Mistake

2006-09-04T14:07:00.000Z

I dream of you

and what I did

why it went wrong

all those years go

Ours was a fleeting moment in time

the memories that we shared

the friends who cared

I can no longer see

You've moved on, I can see that now

I thought I had too

but my darkest thoughts

keep returning me to you

When I think about what I need

its your face that comes back to bear

I can't expect forgiveness

but need you to hear

I'm sorry.....................regretful..................remorseful

I wish you all you can hope for

wish you thought of me too

the life and love we once shared

and my everlasting shame

Hope you spare a thought for me

safe in the knowledge that life didn't work out

that karma has found its way back to me

so here I am stripped and raw

Please keep this safe

as its meant only for you

I have no cause to expect you to

but need this private moment to remain

Titches

2006-09-04T12:45:00.000Z

Just for Minion some shorts (not the kind you put on your legs you understand)

Fairness
Your face so full of laughter
and the sparkle in your eyes
the smile upon your face
the softness you can't hide

Your porcelain fair white skin
the soft lines that form a frown
the angled cheekbones in your face
your golden tousled crown

The Game
Confident stranger on a train
blue eyes and blonde mane
dressed in the smartest of suits
trying to cover up your roots

Do you really want to play the game?
with others doing the same
phone numbers given to and fro
with those you really don't want to know

Shadows
darkness is my only salvation
where I can hide in the shadows
move unnoticed and unseen
so I can observe my prey
restless my heart racing
I see you separated from the crowd
should I take my chance to strike
or will my advance be denied?

Waves of Illusion

2006-09-03T18:00:00.000Z

How/Why I write.......
Ok I guess I should explain about my poetry, well I hardly call it poetry as I don't know the first thing about it and verse gives it far more credit that it deserves, so lets just call it spoutings

So firstly - why? Well like I said its not like I know anything about verse and form but sometimes I just have so many feelings and thoughts that I need to get them out of my head.

Reality - Not all you see is real and that reflects in my writing, often the things that are written are not a reflection of me or even my feelings and thoughts but what I feel a character is thinking

Inspiration - I'm inspired by everything but mostly by gothic images and music, just looking at someone clad in black with darkness surrounding them makes me reflective

When - Normally at the weekend when I don't have my 'work head' on. A bottle or 2 normally helps the creative flow.

How - in a big blue book and always in pencil. I never write verse on a pc first it's always on the page because I like the curvature of my handwriting and the way the words flow into each other

Edit - I rarely edit and when I do it's just the odd word or two, I also have loads of 'shorts' just a few throwaway lines which I've never expanded

Why dark? - Because I can't write verse when I'm having happy thoughts. Those thoughts are recorded elsewhere, verse comes from the darker part of my soul

So which is the real you? - Search me, no honestly I mean it, as some of the writings allude to, I am many things and this blog is just another facet of my personality, which twists into so many shapes

Finally - so in other words, don't worry guys I'm really not the anguished and tortured soul that this blog presents me as - well not all the time!

Pleasured

2006-09-03T05:37:00.000Z

I look at you, led there expectantly..I slip my milky fingers under the thin veil of material covering my breasts, slowly I let the fabric slip from my grasp and watch you inhale
I run my hands over my exposed breasts slowly fingering my erect nipples, slowly circling and then teasing as I watch your obvious delight
I slip my fingers into my mouth and withdraw them so I can see them glisten
I move my hands down my body, feeling my curves and lightly teasing my delicate skin
the touch and sense of my own body lingers in my thoughts
My fingers draw closer to their desired intent
rubbing intoxicatingly against my skin
then exploring, burrowing deeper, moist with my own pleasure
rhythmically finding their much practiced symphony
You can hardly bear it
watching my pleasure spread across my face but I make you wait

yes I make you wait....

Lies

2006-09-02T00:00:00.000Z

The mirror always lies
not showing me in deep
this twisted reflection
of who I should be

Who am I?
I'm supposed to be responsible
but when did I grow up?
does a mortgage mean I'm an adult?

which is the real me?
the professional worker in a sterile cubicle?
the partner complete with ironing board?
the goth who forgets her dark side?

The flirt who hides a secret?
the blogger who fits the mould?
the child who doesn't want to grow up?
or the rebel who's lost her cause?

Who am I?
will I ever know
Will I like what I find?
do I want to know?

drifting by in life
filling the gaps that others want
giving myself labels so I'm easily placed
frustrated by the image I project

someone help me, show me how
let me be me
give me a life, some introspection
and maybe some peace

Just how gorgeous is this?

2006-08-24T06:00:00.000Z

Crimson

2006-08-18T16:00:00.000Z

Darkness washing over me

Crimson rivers as I bleed

A moment of truthOf my deep reflection

Moment of clarity

Of pure realisation

Of my past

And my guilty obsession
My breathing labours

As my mind grows dark

My heart slows

And my pulse weakens

Life seeping out of me

Finally allowing me to breathe

To remedy my affliction

Finally lucid with myself

Finally I can lay to rest

My tortured soul at last relenting

My ruptured heart no longer distorted

At last, escape

#3

2006-08-17T17:30:00.000Z

black leather on translucent skin
black silk on cobalt eyes
hard rubber on crimson lips
the distinctive smell lingers in the air

strung up and left to fend
all by yourself, in the darkness
within the walls of this tiny cell
your heart beating in your chest

what will happen to me? I hear you ask
I can see the fear in your face
the sweat running down your neck
to rest upon your harness strung breast

now the realisation not what but when
the excruciating agony of waiting for the pain
then the crack of the whip
your heightened senses making your skin prickle

then at last the blissful agony
that only I can insist on
the waiting is over, the pleasure is here
now its time to heal once more

#2

2006-08-17T17:00:00.000Z

Why did you look at her and talk and gush and smile?
Why let her into your life, after all this while?
Don't you remember what she did to you, the way you hurt and cried?
The way she twisted your life and all her god damn lies

Why would you let her have a chance to see what we've become?
The way we moved on from this, all the work we've done
To put all this behind us, to forget she was ever there
The way she ripped us apart and laid us out to bare

Why did you want to cast all our efforts aside?
For the person you promised you could not abide
Are there still feelings lurking within you?
I beg of you don't make me ask you to choose

Why have you chosen to effect me like this?
I asked why you needed to see her but didn't insist
I should have been stronger and made you see sense
Instead I now lie here all nervous and tense

Why did I let you go out of the door?
Afraid and scared that we would be no more
Perhaps it's the issue of you and what's already passed
Or maybe I knew we weren't destined to last

I now realise what a fool I have been
Only concentrating on the hurt that was keen
Return to me my love and we can begin
To repair our life and what should've been

Bringing you up to date with poems so far #1

2006-08-17T16:30:00.000Z

Pigeon Holes
Square peg in a circular hole
always trying to fit the mould
desperately worrying about others perceptions
about myself and my reflection

wanting to break out and show my true self
too scared to cry out and ask for help
don't want to be 'normal' anymore
I have to scratch this itch before its too sore

this feeling tearing inside of me
the aching need and want to be free
from restraint and shackles and superfluous labels
to give me a chance so that I am able

to breathe and live and show the real me
for better, for worse, for all to see
come look at me now and see what I am
still wanna be with me? I couldn't give a damn

Why oh Why

2006-08-17T16:00:00.000Z

Ok well I decided to start this blog as I wanted this to become a place to discover the more darker inner workings of my mind and just didn't feel comfortable posting it as my 'other' persona. So if you've come via my other persona I would ask that you keep the information private, if you're a new reader, well I would say enjoy but not quite sure if that's really applicable. I may also use the blog to have the occasional rant about the ex (he knows about the other blog) and my non exisitent sex life, but mainly its just to get rid of some of the garbage firmly lodged in my noggin.All feedback gratefully received (but believe me I don't take my poetry that seriously) but pervy comments will be ignored/deleted.Lets see how long this lasts.....